[MAGIC SHOP] Chapter 1: Post Partum Depression
I am in the hospital. I am with my baby girl who is just few days old, I think she is just 11 days old. I am carrying her with my both arms while I am sitting outside of the pediatrician's clinic. My mom is sitting beside me while my husband is still outside, parking our car.
When my husband came in, he saw an old friend. It was a woman his age, carrying a baby as well, together with her husband.
'Hi Sydi! How are you?', said the lady
'Hello! Long time no see. What are you doing here? I am here with my wife and my baby.', my husband said, directing his hand to our direction.
I gave the woman a nod and smiled with a tired look on my face. 'Wow, you already have a baby. Why are you here? Are you here for a check-up?', I heard her say.
'Yes. My wife and my baby have a fever so we immediately came here.', my husband answered.
'She actually looks yellowish. Do you go outside in the morning to get some sunshine?', she asked.
'Yes, we do that every morning. But does our baby really look yellowish?', he asked in concern. 'Kind of.', she said.
'We will know when we check with the doctor', he assured.
The nurse called a name and my husband's friend came in.
My head hurts so much but I ignored it while still holding my baby tightly. It is the first time I saw my baby sleep so deep and long ever since we were discharged from the hospital after I gave birth to her. For quite some time, she has been crying every time so I always dance and sing while carrying her, thinking that she will stop crying if I do so. Unfortunately, she does not stop. I just had back pain in return. That is the time my mom would get her from me like a savior because I was very exhausted already. I had a CS section so my body pain got even worse. I also tried to breastfeed her but it was really difficult. My dad would tell me, 'She's hungry, that's why she's fussy. Go buy some formula milk. If I were you, I would have bought tons of milk already so she would stop crying.' I would tell him that I have milk so I always told him to stop telling me to buy milk. I often get angry to him because of that. But now that my baby has a fever, I started to doubt my decisions. Maybe she does not get enough milk from me, I thought. Maybe my milk is not nutritious. And maybe she got her fever from me because I was the first one to get fever that day. I started to blame myself that maybe she is suffering because of me. I am so frustrated because I cannot do anything for her to be okay. I stared at her little beautiful face for few minutes, until the nurse called my baby's name, then we came in.
The doctor immediately checked her and said this in panic, 'She is so yellow. And also her temperature is already 38'C. And she was 37.5'C before you came here. That means she has a fever already. And having a fever before 1 month is dangerous. We need to admit her immediately.'
Those words pierced my heart. This little baby of mine will be admitted so that means she will be injected with needles and stuff. My precious baby will undergo these painful stuff and these are all because of me. My heart broke into pieces when the doctor said that.
'Is she breastfed?'
I answered yes.
She touched my baby's head then said this.
'She is hungry. Her lips are dry. If she is well-fed, she will not get sick easily. And also, she is sleeping so soundly. She may be very tired and that is not normal. We need to admit her immediately. I may not be your pediatrician but that is my decision. If you want to confirm with your pediatrician first, okay. But I am telling you that we need to make decision quickly because your baby's life is in danger. She is prone to infection.'
I don't know what to do. My husband does not know what to do. My mom does not know what to do. I cannot think straight. We contacted Dra. Pua, my baby's pediatrician. She was able to talk to my mom then it was decided that my precious baby will be admitted.
We went to the emergency room first since the hospital does not have vacant room yet. The nurse asked me and my mom to hold the baby tightly because she is gonna inject the dextrose already. My mom hold my baby's hands while I hold her legs. My baby started to cry outloud as the needle touched her skin. I could not take seeing my baby in pain that I started to burst into tears as well. The nurse had difficulty injecting properly that she was able to inject it right after the third try. I heard my mom got angry with the nurse because she could not inject the needles right. But I was just sitting there, crying. I felt so helpless. I felt like these are all because of me. Im not a good mom, I thought. I felt sad for my baby for experiencing that much pain at such a young age. And these are all because of me. Same thoughts are circulating into my head as I cried more.
I went out of the room and looked for my husband. He was sitting in a corner. I rested my head on his shoulder and asked him. 'Is it my fault because I realized it late that I have a fever? I should have known it immediately that I have fever so I could have distanced myself before she got fever from me. Am i a bad mom?', i sobbed.
'No, no one wants baby to get fever. It's not your fault', he comforted.
'I feel bad for our baby. She's so tiny yet she's in so much pain. And I feel like it's because of me', I cried louder.
'Our baby is strong.', he said with a determinded voice.
My mom called me because the nurse said that there's a vacant room already. We went to a private room in 5th floor because that's the only one vacant. The nurse prepared a little bed for my baby with lights on top, enclosed with a cloth. They said that baby needs to be exposed with the light to reduce her jaundice (yellow color on skin, common for newborns). But her eyes should be covered and protected. We put baby inside it and I monitored her so that whe would not take off the patch on her eyes. We also maintained a normal temperature (not so hot, not so cold) because babies tend to be cold more than adults. I looked after her for 3hours until I got so sleepy and my head hurts so much already. I took the thermometer and checked my temperature. It is read as 38.1'C. I asked my mom to check on baby while I get some sleep. I told her I will wake up at 5am. It's already 1am so i still have 4hrs to sleep. She told me to rest. My head pounds. I am so cold. I put the blanket around me and tried to sleep. After a few minutes, I am already asleep.
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