Answer: Love Myself
"You've shown me I have reasons, I should love myself. 내 숨 내 걸어온 길 전부로 답해. 어제의 나 오늘의 나 내일의 나 (Im learning how to love myself) 빠짐없이 남김 없이 모두 다 나."
- Answer: Love Myself by BTS
It was 2019 when I became a mom. I suffered pain from the CS section but more than that, I had more difficulty in breastfeeding. It was hard for me yet I really pushed breastfeeding. It was a tough decision for me but because I really wanted to give what's best for my baby, and I love her so much, I gave my best to continue on breastfeeding her even if it was really a struggle. I also think that my breastmilk is the best gift I could give to her. So, I pushed myself really hard~ Taking good care of my baby really took all of my time. I was literally giving my everything to her. My time, my love, my whole being. Sleepless days and nights~ but it's okay. She needed me and I am willing to give everything to her.
As I gave my everything to her, I felt like my everything was not enough. I kept asking myself. Am I a good mom? Are my decisions right? Am I really giving my best to her? And along with that, I realized that there are many things that I could not do from then on. I felt like my all was already used up, nothing left for me already. And it burnt me out.
After 3months of giving birth, I also needed to go back to work. And I needed another adjustment. My heart broke on the thought of leaving my baby just for me to work. I felt guilty. I felt like I'm not doing the right thing. And going back to work was a struggle because I needed to pump milk during breaktime and in between that. I felt like I only had little time working. I felt like I am doing everything halfheartedly. I wanted to quit working to stay with my baby but I also wanted to do well at work. I was torn between myself and my baby. And I really felt guilty by just feeling like that. It was really hard for me. And the time for myself? None. I felt like I was going to breakdown. I wanted to take a break from everything. From work, from taking care of my baby. From everyone but myself. But I could not do that because guilt swallowed me.
But then this song reminds me of thinking about myself for once. I wanted to not think about this guilt for once. I wanted to take a break to focus on myself. I was already broken and depressed from what was happening. I was also worried that I would be judged for choosing myself for a short time. But the song, telling me that I have reasons for me to love myself, I cried. That maybe I could choose myself. Maybe it's okay to choose myself even for a short time. And maybe I need to forgive myself as well for all the guilt that I felt. Because these are all me. I realized that I needed to spare some love for myself to be able to love my baby fully.
After 3 to 4 days of resting with just me and other things that I like doing, I realized that I needed them to recharge myself then I started to miss my baby again. I also realized that I could choose myself from time to time but I would always choose my baby. I would always be a mom to her. When I was away from her for a short time, I already missed her and I would think about her.
Answer: Love Myself helped me to think about these things. Choosing myself for a while does not mean I am being selfish. It just means I needed that for myself so that I can keep on loving my baby more. Now, I can say that I can now wholly love my baby.
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After I attended the #SpeakYourselfFinal concert last year, I wanted to make a thread like this. But I hesitated because I was full of emotions~ I wrote this for a contest but it does not matter if I win or not. I just want to write my feelings~
I always hesitate to write coz it digs deep inside me. My emotions, my feelings. It feels very real again. But you know what? Loving my baby is the greatest love I ever felt. That's why I want to love myself more too. Because I want to keep loving her until forever~
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